mentulam caco

lost my wallet earlier this week. lost my coyote tooth necklace today. then I lost another 20 dollars?? wtf am I cursed?? someone murder me

want to hang out with someone but I’m too afraid to text anyone because being social carries the expectations of not being a total depressed piece of shit and I’m not sure I know how to do any of that

don’t exactly remember what it feels like to genuinely connect to a human and it feels obscenely horrifying

everything is awful and I couldn’t care less :)

intended on stealing a bunch of groceries. there was a security guard there that I felt was watching me so I ended up buying a bunch of shit I didn’t want. then a cute dog barked at me.

I had a bad night and I am very worried about money

has anyone ever stole a significant amount of groceries? there’s a lot of things I’m worried about (rent, utilities, not having a single bra that fits me) that I’m concerned about and trying to lie, cheat, and steal as much as I can. any tips??

literally never lending anybody money ever again. not my best friends. not my family. not anybody

I haven’t made a new friend in months

why I am no longer a feminist, but still militantly against the patriarchy

I know what you’re thinking. a girl who’s not a feminist must be misled. a girl who’s not a feminist must not really understand what feminism is.

the reason I’m not a feminist has nothing to do with wanting to preserve the patriarchy. I grew up wanting to be plastic. I grew up in a culture that assumed my body was inherently sexual. I acted in a way that assumed I did not have agency over my own body. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said “yes” to sex even though I didn’t want to. the majority of the time I didn’t want to.

I understand that a lot of women have similar experiences, and I fully agree with feminists that these realities are horrifying. understanding the subtle dominance, the microagressions, and the normalization of abuse against the female body leads me to tears sometimes, and I share this in common with a lot of feminists. why do I refuse the feminist label, then?

I’m not a feminist because I don’t stand in solidarity with women. patriarchal ideals were enforced most potently, most violently, through my own mother and my female peers. there is nothing inherent about my experiences, nor is there anything inherent about gender itself. I’m against feminism because feminism tends to deny lived experiences. It aims towards abstract ideals like “equality”, “solidarity”, “community”, “collectivity” and “reform”. yet in order to abolish patriarchy we have to dismantle gender, capitalism, identity, and civilization itself. there is no room for reform. there is no such thing as a “safe space”. I have trusted people fully and they have still said horrifying things about my body and gender presentation. I cannot deny those experiences. I cannot assume that all women are acting in my best interest, because they certainly are not. women can enforce the patriarchy as fully and as potently as men can. and that’s why I don’t stand with feminists anymore. quite frankly, I don’t stand in solidarity with anybody.

I hate being a “girl” so much. I hate every person who’s ever insisted that my skin needs to be smooth and plastic and firm. get away from me. never look at me again. I am not a doll and no you can’t touch my hair